' Dare I miss You ? ' - a friend of mine really have no idea how much this sentence comforted me. Yes we are like 500 miles apart, but guess what, a true genuine email from a far-distance close friend really felt good. Thanks to you, pal, for giving me this inspiration to write blog again since you said 'Whenever I had short breaks, I'd go and check out ur blog, but u havent added anything recently.' I wonder how come there is still human who check on my blog so faithfully.
The reason why I haven't write for a more than a month is.. yeah.. many reasons. Lack of motivation, no mood, no idea on what I should write or the extreme : too many inside myself that I had no inkling at all of what I should share here. Trust me, I had like paragraphs and paragraphs of words flowing unceasingly on my mind sometimes when I couldn't sleep at night.. but I decided not to write straight away that time due to the content within ; not very nice stuff to write. Meaning : all mean and harsh. Better write it now, than that time. Wise move.
I am fine. I am good. Many people ask how I am recently. Might as well write it here. Most of the time I am happy spending time alone in the city after work and enjoy solitary time in my bedroom when the whole house turns still, when everyone is sleeping. That's the best time to enjoy solitude. Work is fine too, stable, content, better than a year before, building up myself to be 'more patient' presumably... whatever... but at least become things that I still look forward to do day after day. Still, I avoid groups.. Unless I have a very comfy feeling about it, I would go.. other than that.. nah.. not a time for big happy gathering. Except for social obligation...
Is not that I am trying to be anti-social or whatever.. Just.. don't want to affect ppl around me. Believe it or not. And....When thing clicks, it just happens. If not, just forget about it and say good-bye. Never invest too much, never too deep; the new motto.
Life feels like 'living on the stage.' You go to work, you act decently, follow the rules and obligations, get along with people for the sake of organisation's diplomacy. You go home, you play your part as you should be, you be in whatever social situation, then you adjust the role and play along too.
Sometimes, nostalgia hits me like never before too.. Miss my hometown.. miss the friends and the groups I used to feel belong to .. Recently chat with my relative, and he said he might be coming here.. 'please do so, bro.' Miss my good friends who have gone back for good... I even miss my friend nearby, like my 'bro'.. miss talking to him sometimes. Just that it's not that necessary. Have to consider how busy he is with his uni, assignment, work, friends, gf, etc.... What the.. why am I so emo.. Think too much ? Yeah, I am a true genuine melancholic. Sounds like I am so deprieved of something here? haha.. Yeah. It is so damn painful to lost a friend. That's why it made me think back of my old lost close pals..Why not being defensive? Nah, what's the use ? Whatever words spoken will never change the situation. Action speaks louder than words.
People say, you won't notice or miss how important something is until it's gone, until you have lost it. Yeah.. it's very true. No objection. But is a good thing to have, so we can move on and 'grow'. My good friend said, 'whoever can not move on is a loser.' No objection. No matter how life is going to be, I never ever let myself be crushed down by whatever situation. Play cool man. That's the word. Is not the first time anyway, just another level to go through.
In the past, adapting to changes was easier. Plus my ego and head-strong within. When I cut off myself from something, I will never go back. That's it. End of story. But sometimes, it is really hard. Especially when you have things to say, but unable to say it out. And it bottles up inside slowly slowly... then it is just a matter of times when it .. haha. Hope it doesn't happen. To be honest, yeah. I thought about many things especially a month ago. Like..'thousand of why' in my head, leading towards.. blaming myself.. Things like 'everything 's my fault' or things like ' what if i disappear from this world? One day I will die anyway, Life doesn't matter right?' Haha.. Dead serious. No joke here.
It's like having this battle inside you. And if you were weak, adios, pal. I sort of understand why people get depressed and jump off the building. But nah.. that period had been conquered. No worries. At least I have things to inspire me in life. Switching my focus towards other things. Easy easy. A girl came to me and commented very positive remarks towards me. I was like, 'i did not deserve it.' There is this dark ugly side of me still. But Thanks anyway. Even some admire how strong I am ? Am i that strong ? not really, it's all by Grace, to be honest.
No dramas.. though seems like everything is so dramatic. No drama for me means being genuine, no pretending, no made-up stuff.. And.. this is just a blog. It Is where you just type whatever is on your mind. Not asking for sympathy, advice, or pity here. So my dear fellow readers, no need to take it seriously. Just a one time mood to write and here I am, writing this long passages with just a 'Flow' with no clear main topics, which would be failed by the lecturer. Hahahha. If you don't understand what I am writing, let it be. Because, I myself don't really know what I am writing about. Will play with words again when I have the inspiration kicking in. Cheers !
Who would ever know who would ever expect that, you would get a sudden delivery out of the blue. Seems like no one would ever send me flower during this time. I don't have anyone that close and there isn't any occasion or special event around some more. When I received this news from my boss, I wondered ... At the moment I picked up the flower and opened the card to read , my tears just flowed..
