Writing Again

Just realizing that more than a year has flies since the last time I used to write my thoughts and pour out myself in blog writing... and understandably...numerous and uncountable things did happened within 1 year.. simply said; I have laughed a lot, I cried, I moved, I learned, I fell, I did stupid things, I came back, I picked myself up again, and I have loved..

Here's a very short bit about 2009,

I could said that, from July 09 onwards, it seemed to beblissful..
It was wonderful, yet also somber in certain way.. another words.. a lonely world. As there were of course unspoken things that had happened beyond control... and will remain mysteries.

Gradually 2010 arrived.. things went well at first.. and I had decided to quit my restaurant managerial job.. Hoping to be able to enter the industries that I have been yearning for ...
I took driving lessons too.. thinking that it wouldn't be too hard to tackle...yet I was wrong..

Sitting here and typing this right now at 2pm. Obviously explains that I haven't been really working on something... solid.. . I haven't settle with job-hunting.. and there were times when i had lost my motivation due to the frustration of being turned down here and there... Sometimes I felt disappointed with even myself, who didn't even really know what I really wanted in this life.....

Remembering the 2nd time I failed my driving test : well.. I cried..but coming to realization that tears wouldn't help improve any situation much... i took the 3rd one. When i failed that, I had lost all my emotions, let alone, expression..

Moving house : at start, it was difficult. Somehow I hated changes, I hated my routine to be altered... yet, I obeyed my parents and moved. The 1st day I stayed there, I thought that : I don't deserve all these..... It's too much..... In my heart, I thank God for the provision and my family......
Yes, I couldn't go home anytime I want anymore, transport still sucks, and I even have chosen to stay at my friends' place during weekends... and sometimes.. I felt helpless..
Helpless in the sense that.. I used to be independent. Now I have to be dependent on people around me... and I felt mortified sometimes to be a burden to here and there....Sometimes.. seeing and meeting people around me who are on their right tracks with jobs and things settle... made me feel intimidated..

But I am grateful in a certain way... cause without these, I will never improve.

Jess.. You have to stop living in a circle...

The last thing that I would never forget is love. Love is painful. But what doesn't kill you, it would made you stronger. I have learn lots about love this year.. I have understand what does it like to love above the norm, to love in a difficult situation... and I have had cried all my tears out near the river in the middle of the night alone.. and I have learn to continue to love.. even though realities and obstacles are hard...

Trust me, having no job made you lost your confident, failing driving test 3 times and kept on losing money made you stress, lots of things I cant even afford right now, pressure from parents, friends, difficulties of transport, access, feeling that I am a bad leader and unworthy even to stand and sing......, broken hearts are all severely depressing. I had thought that : 2010 seemed like a year of failures. I have had suicide thoughts before few months back.. I have had sunk into depression, and I have had even thrown things or display violent behaviors in secret.. I even had thought to just disappear from Melbourne and just forget everything. However, I am not giving up and never be.

What keeps me going through all this ? What made me survive ?

Faith, Hope, and Love.

When I fell down, He picked me up.
When I lost hope, He called upon me.
When I had tears, He sent friends to comfort me...
When I felt that I am unworthy, He called me precious.
When I was unable to lead, He spoke to my choir members to pray and encouraged me..
When I lost all the love, He restored me....

He is good and He is real.. He is my God..and Grace is too good, too expensive, and too wonderful to describe...

This year is the 1st year where I really understand Grace.. not as a knowledge, but something real.....
Although this is the year where I have experienced so much failures, This is also a year when I have come to deeper worship than before..

With hope, I am looking forward for 2011... trusting that things happened for reasons.. and even bad things, are under His control.

Thinking that there are those who suffered more than me, those who are less fortunate than me.. I should be grateful...

Thank God so much.. for what I have now, what I still have now, who I have now, the trust I have now from Him, brothers and sisters who love me ..and everything that is to come..