Song that touches me as I sing ..

HadiratMu ~ Sari Simorangkir

Di Hadirat-Mu Tempat Yang Kurindukan
Napas Hidupku Dan Sumber Kekuatan
Di Sana Kau Nyatakan Isi Hati Dan Rindu-Mu
Sehingga Kumengerti Berharganya Hidupku

Hadirat-Mu Yang Membawaku
Terima Semua Janji-Mu
Mengubah Hidupku Menjadi Indah
Hadirat-Mu Yang Menguatkan
Aku Di Dalam Pengharapan
Yesus Untuk Selamanya Hiduplah Dalamku

current Financial status..

Activity : Checking out on my Balance.

Sigh, I am running out of money soon.

It's been 9 months since the last time I had a stable income and had that blessing to spend and enjoy without any worries of how much the numbers would drop down. And these days, especially since I have moved into zone 2 area, meaning - paying more than I used to be. At the moment, for my own access to make may daily transaction.. I only have less than 300 left.

Must be the driving tests and the fees involved, or perhaps other things that unavoidable. Surely I have to go back to work extra next week to get back some extra cash, no matter what. At least, when I work what I am working now, I could survive for that week, and I could save around 40-50. To simplify, when I work for that week, I survive for that week. If I don't, I would be in trouble.

However, looking back at how I have survived all these months. I am pretty amazed at How Much my Lord is taking care of me. He provides and take care of my provision. So far so good, and so far, I have enough and grateful for the sufficiency...

I am longing to have what I really need now : a proper job and a proper income. I am not aiming for high income that makes me rich or goes up the social ladder. But, a steady one would do.

Really hope that next year I would have these 3 needs to be fulfilled : a job, a stable income and a driving license. Yup, I do.

Being Still

Being infected with an unfortunate infection that ...disabled me to stand still for even an hour, was devastating at first.. but have taught me a lot.

Special thanks for friends who care for me so much during this period, especially those who gave me a ride and sent me home... thank you......

Being grateful to have the rest, and enjoy the family surrounding.. which comforts me...

and most importantly, I have come to appreciate for even the ability to walk. It is so simple yet, many of us human have taken it for granted.. It is a gift and we should be grateful that we still could eat, talk, walk and breath in Oxygen as usual day by day. Everything is by grace...

Thank you Lord, for taking care of me.

~ Learning to Give Thanks even in not-so-good time ~

Domestic Struggle

Can you believe that.. sometimes I do have thoughts of running away from home ?

As far as I could remember, I did have that thoughts quite a number since I was a little girl…

Yet I know that it is impossible to do so.. for the sake of obedient, for the sake of being grateful, for the sake of dependency… and ..for the sake of knowing that it is not right.....

Many times I felt like an alien, a foreigner, someone weird or different.

Many times I felt distrust, intimidated, that tense atmosphere indescribable with words…

Is it because of character differences? Differences in point of view? Or Harsh differences, the insensitive versus sensitivity ? Or myself? Or realizing the inevitable truth that what I really want in secret would be opposed harshly? … Would be rejected… without mercy.. ? I do not know…only love that holds everything together.

Or am I writing this to make myself better ?

Writing Again

Just realizing that more than a year has flies since the last time I used to write my thoughts and pour out myself in blog writing... and understandably...numerous and uncountable things did happened within 1 year.. simply said; I have laughed a lot, I cried, I moved, I learned, I fell, I did stupid things, I came back, I picked myself up again, and I have loved..

Here's a very short bit about 2009,

I could said that, from July 09 onwards, it seemed to beblissful..
It was wonderful, yet also somber in certain way.. another words.. a lonely world. As there were of course unspoken things that had happened beyond control... and will remain mysteries.

Gradually 2010 arrived.. things went well at first.. and I had decided to quit my restaurant managerial job.. Hoping to be able to enter the industries that I have been yearning for ...
I took driving lessons too.. thinking that it wouldn't be too hard to tackle...yet I was wrong..

Sitting here and typing this right now at 2pm. Obviously explains that I haven't been really working on something... solid.. . I haven't settle with job-hunting.. and there were times when i had lost my motivation due to the frustration of being turned down here and there... Sometimes I felt disappointed with even myself, who didn't even really know what I really wanted in this life.....

Remembering the 2nd time I failed my driving test : well.. I cried..but coming to realization that tears wouldn't help improve any situation much... i took the 3rd one. When i failed that, I had lost all my emotions, let alone, expression..

Moving house : at start, it was difficult. Somehow I hated changes, I hated my routine to be altered... yet, I obeyed my parents and moved. The 1st day I stayed there, I thought that : I don't deserve all these..... It's too much..... In my heart, I thank God for the provision and my family......
Yes, I couldn't go home anytime I want anymore, transport still sucks, and I even have chosen to stay at my friends' place during weekends... and sometimes.. I felt helpless..
Helpless in the sense that.. I used to be independent. Now I have to be dependent on people around me... and I felt mortified sometimes to be a burden to here and there....Sometimes.. seeing and meeting people around me who are on their right tracks with jobs and things settle... made me feel intimidated..

But I am grateful in a certain way... cause without these, I will never improve.

Jess.. You have to stop living in a circle...

The last thing that I would never forget is love. Love is painful. But what doesn't kill you, it would made you stronger. I have learn lots about love this year.. I have understand what does it like to love above the norm, to love in a difficult situation... and I have had cried all my tears out near the river in the middle of the night alone.. and I have learn to continue to love.. even though realities and obstacles are hard...

Trust me, having no job made you lost your confident, failing driving test 3 times and kept on losing money made you stress, lots of things I cant even afford right now, pressure from parents, friends, difficulties of transport, access, feeling that I am a bad leader and unworthy even to stand and sing......, broken hearts are all severely depressing. I had thought that : 2010 seemed like a year of failures. I have had suicide thoughts before few months back.. I have had sunk into depression, and I have had even thrown things or display violent behaviors in secret.. I even had thought to just disappear from Melbourne and just forget everything. However, I am not giving up and never be.

What keeps me going through all this ? What made me survive ?

Faith, Hope, and Love.

When I fell down, He picked me up.
When I lost hope, He called upon me.
When I had tears, He sent friends to comfort me...
When I felt that I am unworthy, He called me precious.
When I was unable to lead, He spoke to my choir members to pray and encouraged me..
When I lost all the love, He restored me....

He is good and He is real.. He is my God..and Grace is too good, too expensive, and too wonderful to describe...

This year is the 1st year where I really understand Grace.. not as a knowledge, but something real.....
Although this is the year where I have experienced so much failures, This is also a year when I have come to deeper worship than before..

With hope, I am looking forward for 2011... trusting that things happened for reasons.. and even bad things, are under His control.

Thinking that there are those who suffered more than me, those who are less fortunate than me.. I should be grateful...

Thank God so much.. for what I have now, what I still have now, who I have now, the trust I have now from Him, brothers and sisters who love me ..and everything that is to come..

An Unforgettable Weird moment...

I was carrying a big pot of curry .. larger than my upper body from shoulder to waist, and it's around 2/3 full of curry... then As i was walking.. all of a sudden, I almost fell down., being banged into the cashier table.. Because I got tipped from someone's big and bulky laptop bag.. And I could feel the whole pot being slanted about 45 Degree.. and I could hear my boss SHOUTED ; Aaaa!!!......

Imagine, what if I fell on the floor and the curry dropped all over the floor..My working place is very Small.. and If I fell that time.. I would knocked myself to the cashier table.. the whole curry pot would dropped and CURRY SAUCE would be EVERYWHERE>> including the cashier area.

Few months back.. my manager was carrying 2 pot of rice and.. he got tipped by the same stupid bag. The result: He banged himself into the cashier table.. and the two rice pot .. Dropped to the floor.. (luckily they were covered and since the rice was sticked firmly to the pot.. they were ok).

Compared to my case.. I was carrying LIQUID.. and it was HEAvy.. So.. By Logic. It should had Dropped or at least some of the curry would splashed.. ... and.. my boss will have my head chop. (means : being shouted .. I couldn't imagine..)

Surprisingly.. nothing happen.

It made me wondered.. where did I got the strength to hang on to the pot ? How come I didn't tipped ? I really fell myself being thrown to the cashier table carrying the heavy pot.. but I was saved...was it me? was it my imagination? was it a coincidence ? I was amazed.... or...... .. this thought just came to my mind at that time.....was it because... an angle saved me ?

Jika

Jika kamu memancing ikan.....Setelah ikan itu terikat di mata kail, hendaklah kamu mengambil Ikanitu.....Janganlah sesekali kamu lepaskan ia semula ke dalam air begitu saja....Karena ia akan sakit oleh karena bisanya ketajaman mata kailmu dan mungkin ia akan menderita selagi ia masih hidup.Begitulah juga setelah kamu memberi banyak pengharapan kepada seseorang... .Setelah ia mulai menyayangimu hendaklah kamu menjaga hatinya.....Janganlah sesekali kamu meninggalkannya begitu saja......Karena ia akan terluka oleh kenangan bersamamu dan mungkin tidak dapat melupakan segalanya selagi dia mengingat... .Jika kamu menadah air biarlah berpada, jangan terlalu mengharap pada takungannya dan janganlah menganggap ia begitu teguh......cukuplah sekadar keperluanmu. ......Apabila sekali ia retak tentu sukar untuk kamu menambalnya semula......Akhirnya ia dibuang..... .Sedangkan jika kamu coba memperbaikinya mungkin ia masih dapat dipergunakan lagi.....Begitu juga jika kamu memiliki seseorang, terimalah seadanya.... .Janganlah kamu terlalu mengaguminya dan janganlah kamu menganggapnya Begitu istimewa.... .Anggaplah ia manusia biasa.Apabila sekali ia melakukan kesilapan bukan mudah bagi kamu untuk menerimanya. Akhirnya kamu kecewa dan meninggalkannya.Sedangkan jika kamu memaafkannya boleh jadi hubungan kamu akan terus Hingga ke akhirnya.... .Jika kamu telah memiliki sepinggan nasi yang pasti baik untuk dirimu.Mengenyangkan. Berkhasiat. Mengapa kamu berlengah, coba mencari makanan yang lain....Terlalu ingin mengejar kelezatan. Kelak, nasi itu akan basi dan kamu tidak boleh memakannya. kamu akan menyesal.Begitu juga jika kamu telah bertemu dengan seorang insan yang membawa kebaikan kepada dirimu. Menyayangimu. Mengasihimu. Mengapa kamu berlengah,coba bandingkannya dengan yang lain. Terlalu mengejar kesempurnaan. Kelak,kamu akan kehilangannya; apabila dia menjadi milik orang Lain kamu juga akan menyesal.
(By : Anonymous)

A Touching Gift

Who would ever know who would ever expect that, you would get a sudden delivery out of the blue. Seems like no one would ever send me flower during this time. I don't have anyone that close and there isn't any occasion or special event around some more. When I received this news from my boss, I wondered ... At the moment I picked up the flower and opened the card to read , my tears just flowed..

Such a gentle message, such a simple lines. Yet, it is so deep. I never expect the giver to understand the pain so well what I am going through without me telling. Even though, I never even show it every time we met. However, since there were times when I really wanted to go far far away and disappear, knowing from the message that.. I still have people around who really want me to be happy, knowing that I still have people around who still love me.. it really comfort me. I will always remember the giver's care and never forget.

My Day-Off and... my best guy friend

I can't remember when was the last time I had a weekday off. Well, today I had one and it was good. I could wake up at 9 instead of the usual 7.. then head of to the city for medical check up. Unfortunately, I had fasted too long and the nurse refused to take my blood. Sigh, I was very hungry at that time, but nothing I could do. So, I have to come again next Wednesday morning. Followed by this, I went for reading accompanied by my fav. mocha at Starbuck and waited for my friend. We went for lunch, then window shopping at many places along Collins, Myer & David Jones.

At Tiffany & Co., I saw one very nice necklace, but I will not buy it. It's against my principle to buy myself a necklace. Haha. I like necklace but the thing is, I don't need necklace now. What I really need now is a keychain. The last one that I had was a gift from a friend, but it's time to change it. I have been looking around for a very long time, but I never find it. Thus I give up looking for a suitable one. Hope that one day I will have it. Perhaps, if I had one close friend who were willing to buy one for me, it would be great. Jk.

The day continued on when my close friend, Mikha met up with me (Such an irony that the night before I just missed hanging out with him). We went for nice French coffee & cake, walked around city and chit-chat, then went to inspect some nice cars. Afterward, we went home, gathered with other friends then attended staff's farewell dinner at night. One thing I could say is: thanks a lot for the genuine company. Really grateful for the pleasant quality time, meant a lot for me, and that's what I need so much for now..

130309

' Dare I miss You ? ' - a friend of mine really have no idea how much this sentence comforted me. Yes we are like 500 miles apart, but guess what, a true genuine email from a far-distance close friend really felt good. Thanks to you, pal, for giving me this inspiration to write blog again since you said 'Whenever I had short breaks, I'd go and check out ur blog, but u havent added anything recently.' I wonder how come there is still human who check on my blog so faithfully.

The reason why I haven't write for a more than a month is.. yeah.. many reasons. Lack of motivation, no mood, no idea on what I should write or the extreme : too many inside myself that I had no inkling at all of what I should share here. Trust me, I had like paragraphs and paragraphs of words flowing unceasingly on my mind sometimes when I couldn't sleep at night.. but I decided not to write straight away that time due to the content within ; not very nice stuff to write. Meaning : all mean and harsh. Better write it now, than that time. Wise move.

I am fine. I am good. Many people ask how I am recently. Might as well write it here. Most of the time I am happy spending time alone in the city after work and enjoy solitary time in my bedroom when the whole house turns still, when everyone is sleeping. That's the best time to enjoy solitude. Work is fine too, stable, content, better than a year before, building up myself to be 'more patient' presumably... whatever... but at least become things that I still look forward to do day after day. Still, I avoid groups.. Unless I have a very comfy feeling about it, I would go.. other than that.. nah.. not a time for big happy gathering. Except for social obligation...

Is not that I am trying to be anti-social or whatever.. Just.. don't want to affect ppl around me. Believe it or not. And....When thing clicks, it just happens. If not, just forget about it and say good-bye. Never invest too much, never too deep; the new motto.

Life feels like 'living on the stage.' You go to work, you act decently, follow the rules and obligations, get along with people for the sake of organisation's diplomacy. You go home, you play your part as you should be, you be in whatever social situation, then you adjust the role and play along too.

Sometimes, nostalgia hits me like never before too.. Miss my hometown.. miss the friends and the groups I used to feel belong to .. Recently chat with my relative, and he said he might be coming here.. 'please do so, bro.' Miss my good friends who have gone back for good... I even miss my friend nearby, like my 'bro'.. miss talking to him sometimes. Just that it's not that necessary. Have to consider how busy he is with his uni, assignment, work, friends, gf, etc.... What the.. why am I so emo.. Think too much ? Yeah, I am a true genuine melancholic. Sounds like I am so deprieved of something here? haha.. Yeah. It is so damn painful to lost a friend. That's why it made me think back of my old lost close pals..Why not being defensive? Nah, what's the use ? Whatever words spoken will never change the situation. Action speaks louder than words.

People say, you won't notice or miss how important something is until it's gone, until you have lost it. Yeah.. it's very true. No objection. But is a good thing to have, so we can move on and 'grow'. My good friend said, 'whoever can not move on is a loser.' No objection. No matter how life is going to be, I never ever let myself be crushed down by whatever situation. Play cool man. That's the word. Is not the first time anyway, just another level to go through.

In the past, adapting to changes was easier. Plus my ego and head-strong within. When I cut off myself from something, I will never go back. That's it. End of story. But sometimes, it is really hard. Especially when you have things to say, but unable to say it out. And it bottles up inside slowly slowly... then it is just a matter of times when it .. haha. Hope it doesn't happen. To be honest, yeah. I thought about many things especially a month ago. Like..'thousand of why' in my head, leading towards.. blaming myself.. Things like 'everything 's my fault' or things like ' what if i disappear from this world? One day I will die anyway, Life doesn't matter right?' Haha.. Dead serious. No joke here.

It's like having this battle inside you. And if you were weak, adios, pal. I sort of understand why people get depressed and jump off the building. But nah.. that period had been conquered. No worries. At least I have things to inspire me in life. Switching my focus towards other things. Easy easy. A girl came to me and commented very positive remarks towards me. I was like, 'i did not deserve it.' There is this dark ugly side of me still. But Thanks anyway. Even some admire how strong I am ? Am i that strong ? not really, it's all by Grace, to be honest.

No dramas.. though seems like everything is so dramatic. No drama for me means being genuine, no pretending, no made-up stuff.. And.. this is just a blog. It Is where you just type whatever is on your mind. Not asking for sympathy, advice, or pity here. So my dear fellow readers, no need to take it seriously. Just a one time mood to write and here I am, writing this long passages with just a 'Flow' with no clear main topics, which would be failed by the lecturer. Hahahha. If you don't understand what I am writing, let it be. Because, I myself don't really know what I am writing about. Will play with words again when I have the inspiration kicking in. Cheers !